Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A Serious Case of SAHM Envy


I’m just gonna put it out there. Sometimes, I am just OVERWHELMED with Stay At Home Mama envy.

I am sure I’m not alone. I’m sure there are plenty of working mamas out there who would give their right arm to be able to stay home and watch their kids all day, every day. I just didn’t think I would be one of them.

When Em was first born, I told myself I was one of those people who NEEDED to work, just so that my brain would be stimulated by activities other than diaper changing and walks around the park. I thought that if I stayed home with Emmy all day (because apparently I was under the impression that SAHMs just locked themselves in the house and never took their kids anywhere fun or exciting) I would get cabin fever, and would just ache for adult conversation and imposed deadlines and the kind of structure that a workday provides.

In retrospect, I know that I was just trying to convince myself that those were my reasons for needing to work. I should have been honest with myself, and admitted that the real reason I have to work is to help support our family financially. I’ve come to accept this truth. I have come to accept the fact that I am not working because I LOVE to work. I am working because I have student loans that are MY responsibility to pay off, and honestly, if our family were to try and “make it” on my husband’s income alone, it would put A LOT of stress on C’s shoulders. I don’t think that would be fair to him, and I don’t think it would be good for our family dynamic.

So I work, not because I want to, but because I feel I HAVE to.

This past summer, I made a switch in careers to help better accommodate our family life and mommyhood. I found a job that requires a lot less travel and time away from my family than my previous career did, at an academic institute that is generous with vacation days and generally very family-friendly. It’s a GREAT mommy job, and I am much happier than I was at my previous workplace. And yet…

You see, last Friday, due to my husband and mom-in-law’s simultaneous illnesses, I got to play SAHM for a day. It was SUPER fun. In the morning, Em and I goofed around in our pajamas for a while, and took a little walk around the neighborhood. Then I took Em to one of the local playgrounds, where I quickly found myself immersed in a foreign environment. It took me two seconds to realize we were in the Land of the Stay at Home Mommys.

All around me, little pockets of two or three moms chatted away about all things baby and toddler while their kids played in the sandbox and climbed on the jungle gyms. Everybody knew somebody, and their children all knew each other, too. If one woman needed to go to the bathroom, she would simply ask her friend to watch her children for a minute. Snacks were being shared. Play dates were being arranged. Everyone was acting so friendly and so helpful to one another. It seemed so darned blissful.

I really tried NOT to feel lonely. I really tried NOT to feel envious. I tried to just focus on pushing Em in her swing, making funny faces at her, and enjoying our one-on-one time for what it was. But my ears and eyes kept straying, listening for little bits of SAHM conversations, watching SAHMs interact with one another, and absolutely wishing I was one of THEM.

Of course, my wish to be a Stay At Home Mama is not just for the camaraderie of other moms. I long to have the ability to watch Em as she develops each and every day. I want to be there when she utters each new word for the first time. I want to be the one who helps her learn to sing her ABCs. I want to be around when she first learns to hop. I want to be able to watch as she makes new friends with other kids her age on the playground, or in a playgroup setting. I want to eat picnic lunches outside with Em on glorious weather weekdays, and build indoor fortresses with her when it starts randomly thunderstorming on a Thursday afternoon.

My weekends with Em are of course wonderful, but sometimes it seems like they are really just moments, you know? Fabulous little bookends to the rest of the long work week. Spending three uninterrupted days with Em last week made me realize how great it would be to have more than just the weekends with Em. It made me wish I was an every day, all day mama.

I know being a SAHM can be totally exhausting, and I am sure it has plenty of other down sides, too. I know that in my mind I am probably idealizing the experience, and the reality of the SAHM lifestyle is as tough as it is rewarding.

But here I am, sitting at my office desk on a Tuesday morning, wondering what Emmy might be busy doing or saying at daycare, and wishing like crazy that I was with her, at the park, in the Land of the Stay at Home Mamas.

Are you a Stay at Home Mama who wishes she could work? Are you a working mama who wishes she could stay home? Or are you a mama who is perfectly content with your status? I'd love to hear your perspective.

15 comments:

  1. I am a stay at home mom. I am glad I can be, but on the other hand I wish we had more money. I could also use a break now and then. I do love the playdates with other moms and getting to see all of my son's milestones. I want to stay home, but I want a job too. I know I can't do both and staying home is what I want to do more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for commenting, Jessica. I can totally understand your feelings. I know that having a one income household can certainly present its own issues (and certainly know what it is like to wish for more financial freedom). It seems that even though the decision you've made to stay home was a tough one, you ARE appreciating the ample time you get to spend with your son, and I am sure he loves having you there.

      Many thanks again for your response,
      d

      Delete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am on week 2 of returning to work after being home with my 3.5 month old so this really hits home. I thought I would be happy to return to work but I'm not. I hear a lot of working moms say that it takes time to adjust so I promised myself and my husband that I wouldn't propose staying home until I've been back to work for at least 6 weeks.
    I do have a perfect mommy job, which is the only reason I was able to convince myself to come back to work in the first place. I get to work 9 hour days M-Th and then a partial day from home on Friday. There will never be late nights or issues with me taking time off whenever I want. We also have a very hands on nanny that our son loves and can learn from. These factors make me feel less guilty but I still feel like something is wrong because I am not the one there. I don't know that there will ever be a clearly defined right answer for me. I will probably envy SAHMs (or Working moms if I do decide to stay home) no matter what. It is going to be hard to stand by a decision knowing that there are just as many good reasons to choose the other option.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for writing, Stephanie. I can obviously relate to what you are going through. I remember when I went back to work full-time.. it was SO TOUGH, and I felt like I was just kind of going through the motions of work when all I could really think about was my baby. I am sorry that our society doesn't give you more time to stay home and just enjoy being a mama before having to make a decision about rejoining the workforce. It's such an important decision to have to make...

      It sounds like you and your husband have a really good plan, and that you are giving yourself enough time to see if you can adjust to re-entering the workforce, and can find a good work/mama balance, or if you just need to make a change and stay home with your baby. Either way, please keep me updated. I would love to find out what your ultimate decision is, and what ends up informing that decision.

      Many thanks again for your response,
      d

      Delete
  4. This is awesome that I found this blog. I'm currently debating this issue right now. I have a 3 1/2 month old daughter and a really great job. I went back to work 2 weeks ago. I can't even concentrate at work and do actual work because all I think about is my daughter and what I'm missing while she is at daycare. Are they taking care of her properly, is she sleeping ok, did she poop out her diaper again?
    I call once a day and check up on her and it makes me feel like I'm bothering them when I do call. They are very nice to me so I shouldn't feel that way though.

    The thing is financially we can afford for me to stay home, we would have to cut back on eating out etc. On paper though it can be done. Yet since my boyfriend and I aren't married I would lose insurance. I work for a really great company with awesome vacation time, we shut down at Christmas and pretty good medical as well.
    Plus they promoted me last Oct and they offered me a supervisor job last Wednesday (day 4 of being back in the office) which they want me to start training on in April.

    If I stay at the company I will start accruing more time off in Jan of 2013 (2 days a month) They will more then likely allow me to go to a four day ten hour schedule. My commute is bad though, 45 mins each way. I feel like i'm missing out on so much with my baby though.
    I'm so torn...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for responding. It sounds like you have a really tough decision to make. It seems like you are excelling at work, and there are many reasons why staying there would be really beneficial to you and your family. Benefits like great vacation time and a good medical insurance plan are really important factors that need to be considered. I know it wouldn't be easy for me to give those benefits up, even if it meant being able to stay home with my baby seven days a week.
      It also sounds like beginning in January of next year, your job will allow a good amount of flexibility, so you may be able to strike a great balance between your work life and your home life.
      With all that having been said, I totally know what it feels like to be in the office physically, but have your mind and heart focused on your baby. It sucks, especially as a new mama. It is so hard to be away from your child, especially after having been around her for 24 hours a day for the past three months.
      Ugh, I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could tell you what would work best for you and your family. Like I said to Stephanie, I really hope you will keep me up to date on your decision making process, and let me know whether you ultimately decide to stay home or keep wokring. I would be very interested in hearing from you and supporting you, no matter what decision you end up making.

      Hugs,
      d

      Delete
  5. Thanks for this post. I am an assistant professor a local university and taking a few years off to be with my child just isn't an option. In my field, once you get off the track, it is really hard to ever get back on. I do have a flexible schedule which I love. But, I am SO envious of SAHMs. I feel like I do everything that they do, but I also have a job. I know it might get a little boring sometimes, but it must be SO much more relaxing. Plus, I think they have better relationships with other moms. The life of a working mom can be kind of lonely. Anyway, thanks again for the post. It is nice to know I'm not alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I am really glad that this post is providing a forum for other working mamas to express their similar feelings and frustrations.

      Obviously, I can totally relate to the envy you feel. Most stay at home mamas I know are really happy with their status, and don't really envy working mamas too much. I agree with you, I think the life of a stay at home mama can be rewarding in so many ways, including both the relationships they build with other women and the relationships they build with their kids.

      I guess all us working mamas can do is try our best to strike that balance between work and life, and make the time we do share with our kids as meaningful as possible. And daydream about being SAHMs. :)

      Many thanks again for your comments,
      d

      Delete
  6. Wow, this post is ridiculously familiar. I feel this all the time. I have three very close friends that were all pregnant at the same time I was and we all had our kids within a month of each other. Of the four of us, I am the only one that had to go to work full time. It makes me so envious of them, almost to the point of being bitter about it.

    I had the same conversation with myself and others that you had. The I-work-because-I-want-to conversation. But truth be told, I would LOVE to stay home with my daughter every day. I would love to have a year-round pass to the zoo and the aquarium so we could go on adventures every day. I would love to do all those fun activities I see on Pinterest. But my husband and I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle that is dependent on two full-time incomes. It would be way too much stress to try and change that.

    Thank you for sharing this. It encapsulates my exact thoughts on the matter. We'll just have to enjoy our weekends with our little ones that much more :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Stevie. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have three close friends who are all SAHMs while YOU have to get up and go to work each weekday. BOOOO!!! Pretty sure I would be a little bit bitter, and would have a hard time NOT showing my jealousy when hanging out with my friends. Mmmm, that's gotta be so tough.

      And I know what it feels like to be financially dependent on two incomes, and to feel like you simply can't give up your job due to the stress it would create. I know there are mamas out there who have made the decision to give up their jobs regardless of the financial impact, and while I am envious of their choices, I simply can't do the same.

      So I do what you do, and try to just breathe in those moments I am with Em, and make them enjoyable and important.

      So glad you took the time to comment,
      d

      Delete
  7. I feel you. As a nanny, I'm lucky enough to be able to bring my daughter to work with me, so I don't miss her, but I don't get a break, either. I'm like a SAHM, but for someone else. Meanwhile, my laundry piles up, my living room needs dusting, and my garden looks like crap. What makes it even more frustrating is that I'm not doing this for a lifestyle, I have to work so we can live. All I ever wanted, ever, was to be a SAHM, and every.time. I read one if those "it's so hard to SAHM " articles, I want to punch my computer screen. But, we couldn't afford a new one, so I just grab some chocolate. Hey, maybe THAT'S how come I still have this baby weight ...thanks for letting me vent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, I'm sure it does suck to have to be someone else's SAHM, while your own home gets neglected. You are working extra hard for someone else's benefit, just so you can "make it". It IS great that you get to take your daughter with you to work, but I imagine you are often so exhausted you can't exactly appreciate her company...I know the life of a SAHM is challenging, but it sounds like the life you are living is doubly so. yeesh.
      There is no shame in making friends with a chocolate bar, by the way, especially if it means your knuckles will be spared a bruising. :)
      d

      Delete
  8. Oh, I love this post. I'm a working mom, too, this second time around. I have two sons - I stayed at home with my oldest until he was eighteen months old but returned to work with my second when he was just a little less than four months old. So I've done it both ways, and I can honestly say that I have enjoyed both for different reasons. With my oldest I was there for it all but finally came to realize there were so many things he needed that he couldn't learn at home with just me...all day every day - like how to be a friend, take up for himself, share, etc. I feel like he needed that, and I was ready. I was ready for more structure, more routine, and definitely more income for our family. It was tough, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. On the other hand, I went back to work with Parker immediately after my maternity leave had ended because my husband was in the process of retiring from the Air Force and hadn't landed another full time job yet. I also knew then what I learned with Jake - it wasn't a forever thing for us - and I had started to work at a job that I knew wouldn't be easy (if I would ever) to come by again. I truly felt like I had the best of both worlds, and I still do. After almost one year later, I sometimes wonder if I actually enjoyed my oldest as much I do my youngest at this age and it's because I have time to "miss" him during the day. I realize how precious the hours I have with him every evening are and on the weekends are, and I tend to be more quick to say "This can wait." (because I don't have the "tomorrow" that I did with my oldest) and just be in the moment, let the housework go (at least for a little while anyway), and soak up all the minutes I can. Whew! I feel like I've written a book, but it's a subject that's near and dear to my heart, and I hope something I said might be helpful. I totally get the envy thing, and if I had to guess it goes both ways. :) Thanks so much for this post! I loved it!

    BTW, I'm so glad to have found your blog and feel so connected with another working mom. :) Hope you have a great week!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad you found me! Many thanks for your comments and empathy. I think it is wonderful that you've been able to experience motherhood both as a SAHM and as a working mama. I'm sure having lived both ways helps you appreciate the ups and downs of both lifestyles, and understand the honest complexity of both experiences.
      I know exactly what you are saying about really appreciating the limited time you have with your youngest son, and the value of that feeling of "missing" your child. I do feel like there is a lot of pressure to make the time I share with Emmy as meaningful and "focused" as possible (without cell phones, computers, or other distractions), but I think that pressure can be a positive thing sometimes. Of course, because the quality time Em and I share is incredible, it makes me want so much more of it. But I agree that if I were to have endless hours with her, my appreciation and focus would likely lessen (maybe by quite a bit).
      I really appreciate you sharing your feelings and experiences (and don't ever worry about writing too much about something that is near and dear to your heart - that's what blogging is all about)!

      So happy to have made a new mama friend :)
      d

      Delete