Emmy just got her 82nd cold of the season. The poor little bugger was up most of the night coughing and choking on her own mucus (which meant I was up most of the night trying to get her body in an upright position so she could sleep better). This morning her face was just a mess of teething drool and runny nose, and I couldn’t tell what was what. It was slightly funny, and also terribly disgusting.
Judging from this past winter’s illnesses, Em’s germs are going to behave like college students on spring break, and will bar hop from her body to my body, and then on to my husband’s, and my in-laws’. And then I, being the generous woman that I am, will come into work and touch all of my co-workers’ doorknobs , spreading the little germies throughout my office (unintentionally, of course). Because why keep the joyful celebration of a cold to limited to my immediate family? Why not give EVERYONE a reason to stay home and use their Neti Pot?
It’s not that I don’t take precautionary measures – I do! As soon as Em shows signs of sickness, I start scrubbing my hands like Lady Macbeth. But let’s face it. When Em is sick, I have to wipe her nose about 429 times a minute, and I can’t wash my hands after every wipe. And so it is that in the battle of mama vs. germies, the germies have come out victorious about 99% of the time.
Which is why, as I lay awake in bed last night, listening to the snorts and wheezes of my adorable girl, I came up with the idea for this invention:
I call it THE TISSUE BOX HEAD and I believe it is going to revolutionize the entire parenting experience.
The minute your child begins to sniffle, you strap this hard hat on to their head and secure it tightly. For the duration of the cold, you sit back, relax, and read a novel while the mechanical arms take care of all of the dirty work. Back and forth they go, grabbing a tissue, and wiping your loved one’s teeny but oh-so-lethal snout. The adjustable speed control allows you to choose how many nose wipes your child receives per minute, so you don’t have to worry about keeping up with endless flow. Your fingers remain germ-free and happy! It’s a miracle!
And just think of how popular your child will be at daycare, when they show up with a contraption like this sitting on their head. All the kids in their class are going to want one! Soon every child around the globe will be wearing one, and VOILA(!) the germ warfare that we are so used to in daycare settings will once and for all be conquered. Parents worldwide will be able to MAKE AND KEEP their vacation plans.
Now, I know you are thrilled beyond belief at the prospect of buying THE TISSUE BOX HEAD for your own child, but unfortunately you are going to have to be a little patient. There are a few little “kinks” I have to work out before I apply for the patent. For instance, the prototype I have come up with weighs in at a mere 80 pounds (I’d like to try to get it down to 60), and the mechanical arms keep trying to poke my daughter’s eyes out. But once I DO get all the glitches worked out, I’m taking this little wonder hat straight to the Shark Tank. I know at least a few of those business moguls have kids, so it’s hard to imagine I would walk away without a deal.