Do I Have What it Takes to Be a SAHM?

For a multitude of reasons, my husband and I have decided it might be best if I become a stay-at-home mom.

And for a multitude of reasons, I am excited, nervous, and eager about the possibility of beginning this very new, very important chapter of my life.

I’m kind of panicking, to be honest. I mean, I want very badly to be THE BEST SAHM the world has ever known. Yes, I know it’s an impossibility, and that putting that kind of pressure on myself is ridiculous. But really, truly, I want to do a DAMN good job as a full-time mommy. In preparation for the transition, I’ve created schedules, ordered educational toys and materials, joined a handful of mommy groups, and mapped out lots of different local attractions and activities I can use for our daily outings. I’m taking this whole thing very seriously. Maybe a bit TOO seriously.

To lighten the mood in my brain, I’ve been fantasizing about what it would be like if I actually had to have a job interview with my kiddos. Granted, my son is only six months old, and my daughter is only two and a half, so some of the imagined conversation is a bit contrived, but it makes me laugh, and that’s really all that matters.

Allow me to share.

Scene: A fluorescent-lit meeting room with one of those very long, very intimidating meeting room tables. My daughter is sitting at the far end, in a booster seat that makes her head just peek out over the top of the table. To her immediate right, my son is sitting in a noisy swing, swinging back and forth, teething on his favorite chew toy.

Emmy: Good morning, mama. So you’ve come to interview for the position of Stay at Home Mom?

Me: Yes, good morning. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I really appreciate the opportunity.

Emmy: Of course. It’s our pleasure. Have a seat.

(Emmy points to the seat at the far opposite end of the table. I take a seat)

Emmy: We’ve looked at your resume. We haven’t read it, because we can’t read, but we’ve looked at it. Tell me, why have you decided to apply for this position?

Me: Well, in a nut shell, I’ve decided that being a good mommy to you and Baby O is my number one priority right now, and other things can wait. I want to provide both of you with a loving, consistent environment that fosters your growth and development.

Emmy: That’s all well and good, mama, theoretically speaking. But let’s talk about your qualifications. Are you familiar with “Ring Around the Rosie?”

Me: Of course, yes. I’m very familiar with “Ring Around the Rosie.”

Emmy: How many times IN A ROW would you say you’d be willing to play “Ring Around the Rosie”?

Me: Um, off the top of my head? Maybe FOUR times?

(Baby O stops teething and looks at me with horror)

Emmy: FOUR times? Just FOUR times?

Me: Ok, maybe FIVE times?

Emmy: That will NEVER do. We’re going to need you to play “Ring Around the Rosie” at least eighteen times in a row, mama. With enthusiasm. No excuses. Do you think you can do that?

Me: (with some very acute hesitation) Sure. Yeah. I can do that. Eighteen times, huh?

Emmy: And none of that pseudo “ooh, I’m falling down” charade. You can’t just SQUAT and call it “falling down.” You’re going to need to fall ALL THE WAY DOWN.

Me: I can do it. I can.

Emmy: Moving on. Let’s talk about lunch. Lunch is very important around here. How good are you at making chicky sammiches?

Me: I’m REALLY GOOD at making chicky sammiches, Emmy. I use just the right amount of turkey, and your favorite kind of bread…

Emmy: Do you cut the sandwich into squares or triangles?

Me: Generally speaking, squares…

Emmy: (thinking) uh huh… any other shapes?

Me: Well, I tried to make a star-shaped sandwich once.

Emmy: Yeah, we all know how THAT turned out. It was a disaster. It didn’t even look like a star. It looked like a HOUSE.

Me: I promise I will work on my sammich shape repertoire. Through this job, I will hone my sammich-making skills.

Emmy: And how long would you say it takes you to eat lunch?

Me: I’m a quick eater. I need MAYBE ten minutes, tops.

(Baby O chokes on his teething toy)

Emmy: Ten MINUTES? Mama, we have a VERY STRICT lunch break policy around here. You’re gonna get 20 seconds.

Me: Did you just say twenty SECONDS?

Emmy: Yes, you’ll have twenty seconds to wolf down the crusts I have left over from my sammich. I may also leave you an ounce of juice in my sippy cup, if you are lucky.

Me: I guess I’ll have to make it work.

Emmy: Should we talk about attire? What you have on now is completely inappropriate.

Me: Oh? How so?

Emmy: Way too formal. We like to call our dress code around here “functional princess” attire.

Me: What is “functional princess” attire?

Emmy: Jogging pants, an old t-shirt, and a tutu. You can’t wear anything you wouldn’t want to get stained. It’s GONNA GET STAINED. But you should also always look like a ballerina princess so we can twirl around and twirl around and twirl around until we get dizzy and fall on the floor.

Me: I’ve got some jogging pants. And I’ll borrow dada’s t-shirts.

Emmy: Moving on. I’m going to give you a scenario, and you tell me what you would do in that scenario, ok?

Me: Uh-huh.

Emmy: You’re nursing baby brother, and I’m reading a book, when suddenly I start SCREAMING at the top of my lungs that I have to go potty. How do you handle this?

Me: Um, I take you to the potty with one arm WHILE nursing baby brother in my other arm?

Emmy: Ewww. Gross. And it won’t work. I need you to hug me while I am on the potty.

Me: You need me to HUG you while you are on the potty? Um.. ok. Then I would put Baby O down for a minute and take you to the potty?

Emmy: Probably a better idea, mama.

Me: I’ll work on my mommy instincts.

Emmy: Do you love to be hugged?

Me: Oh, yes.

Emmy: And kissed?

Me: Definitely!

Emmy: And sneezed on?

Me: Um…

Emmy: How many band-aids are you willing to let us wear in one 24 hour period?

(Baby O looks at me and grins his mischievous grin)

Me: One band-aid, Emmy. MAYBE two if you are really bleeding. We’ve talked about this before.

Emmy: Would you consider upping that to maybe FOURTEEN band-aids?

Me: Never. Ever.

Emmy: It was worth a shot. Ok, mama. After much consideration, it seems we have no choice BUT to hire you for this position.

Me: That’s great news! Thank you! You’ll be so happy you chose me. I won’t let you down, I swear.

Emmy: Sure, sure. Just remember: Anything you do could potentially scar us for the rest of our lives. And our bones are very fragile.

Me: Thank you for your encouraging words.

End scene.

So yeah, I’m nervous. But also totally happy. But also REALLY nervous.

If you have any advice, or experience you would like to share with this possibly-soon-to-be-SAHM, I would love to hear it. 

Thank you, Angelina.

Because the first thing I thought, after hearing the news story about her elective double-mastectomy, was “if she can do it, I can do it.”

When I found out, back in November of 2011, that I have the BRCA-1 mutation, the  decision to opt for a preventative double mastectomy, followed by an oophorectomy, was pretty much a “no-brainer.” I had lost my mother to breast cancer earlier that year, and wanted to be pro-active in making sure I wouldn’t have to face what my mom had to face: a radical mastectomy, chemotherapy, brain surgery, medication upon medication, and eventually a very heart-breaking, very painful physical decline that preceded her death. I also wanted to do what I could to make sure I would be able to enjoy many years with my children, my husband, my extended family and my friends, without my life turning into a constant battle with a life-threatening disease.

A year and a half has passed since I received the results of my genetic testing. In that span of time, I got pregnant with my second child, had a second c-section, and have breast-fed my son for five months, all which have delayed any steps I can take toward having the surgeries. I have also had time to REALLY come to terms with the decision I am facing, the impact it will have on my body, my brain, and my heart, and have had lots of time to doubt my decision. Do I really want to put my body through yet another surgery? Do I really want to see MORE scars than I already do when I look in the mirror? Am I ok with completely losing feeling in my breasts? Am I okay with becoming post-menopausal in my early 40s? Or should I perhaps just be super-vigilant about self-monitoring, without opting for such a radical surgery?

It’s not an easy decision. But hearing about Angelina Jolie’s choice to get the preventative surgeries has been incredibly comforting. I mean, it’s Angelina Jolie! Never in a million years would I have thought that she and I would have much in common. But here we are, both 37 years old, both with mothers that have recently passed away from cancer, both having the BRCA-1 mutation, both having to decide what to do with the knowledge about our genetic makeup.

And, I mean, it’s Angelina Jolie! Lara Croft, Hollywood goddess, mother of eight billion children, Special Envoy of UN, wife of Brad Pitt! Every move she makes is watched, documented, praised or criticized. She is probably one of the only women in the world who would make international headlines for making this kind of decision public.

It’s not that Angelina’s decision makes my doubts go away. And it’s not that her opting for a double-mastectomy makes my choices any easier. This is still MY body, and MY decision to make.

But seriously, it is encouraging to know that if I DO choose to get the surgeries (which I in all likelihood will), I will be sharing my journey with a very beautiful, very brave, very public figure who chose to be proactive in making decisions about her health, her future, and her identity. Her statement, “I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity,” in turn empowers me to make my decisions without feeling like I will be losing my sense of self.  

If she can do it, I can do it.

So thank you, Angelina. 

Mama's Day 2013

Growing up, I always had a lot of anxiety when it came to Mother’s Day. As I have mentioned in previous posts, my mother wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, and definitely was not the easiest person to buy or make presents for. She RARELY was enthusiastic about the gifts my older sister and I would seek out for her, and on a few occasions she even returned the presents we got for her. It’s not like we didn’t TRY to get her great gifts. My sister and I would pool our allowances, and spend many hours at the mall debating over which scarf she would like best, which shirt was REALLY her favorite color, etc. But I hardly remember a time that my mom expressed excitement and enthusiasm over our choice of gift.

Cards, too, were an issue. We weren’t a Hallmark kind of a family. I don’t know if it was because bought cards seemed too generic, or were too expensive, or if my parents were simply trying to encourage us to be creative, but we ALWAYS had to hand-make our cards for holidays and celebrations. And along with the hand-made card, it was tradition in our family (and still is) that we write the card-receiver an epic tale describing in endless detail how much we appreciate that person, and why. A card is not complete unless the sentiment written inside it covers both interior pages and spills onto the back of the card, as well.

So not only was the gift-giving anxiety provoking, but the card-making part also made me panic (and still does).

Which is why now, being on the receiving-end of Mother’s Day, I plan on making a concerted effort to make the celebration as low-key and UNstressful as possible for my famil, and to ALWAYS, ALWAYS show my appreciation for ANY gifts or sentiments my loved ones give me.

C definitely made sure yesterday was celebratory (despite his exhaustion) and that we did the things that I wanted to do as a family, which was very sweet and very much appreciated.

Here are the things I MOST appreciated about the day, that made the day very special.

Despite the gloomy weather, we took Em and Oren to the nearby animal farm, where we went on two hayrides (with Oren wrapped up in my sweater looking very much like Obi Wan Kanobi), shared a delicious brownie, and got to see Emmy enjoy her first horse ride (!!) Em looked like such a big girl up on the horse, I couldn’t believe it. My heart melted a little (make that a lot), realizing how quickly she is growing up.

We enjoyed lunch together at Friendly’s, and Em shared her ice cream with both her Dada and I in a very generous way. AND Oren only cried maybe once during our entire meal, which made for a very peaceful, un-chaotic, lunch with two young children (a rare thing, indeed).

When we got back home, the sun was shining, so we took Em’s new tricycle (well, not new, exactly. I found it on sale for $7 at a garage sale, but as far as Em is concerned it is pink and purple and has a storage bin that holds her My Little Ponies and is therefore perfect) for a ride down to Baba and Grampy’s house. Em only started riding on a tricyle a few weeks ago, thanks to our friends Kelly and Wil, who gave us their grown-up-assisted tricycle that let Em practice her pedaling. But already, just a few weeks later, Em is becoming an expert-biker, with loads of confidence and enthusiasm. I am thrilled for her, and thrilled to see her gaining these new skills so quickly. I am also excited that when she falls off her bike, Em gets right back up, brushes herself off, and starts biking again. So proud!!!

My mother-in-law gave me these AMAZING photos she took of the kids, which made my heart so incredibly happy. I can’t decide whether I want to have the photos themselves blown up onto big canvases, or whether I want to try and find time to paint versions of them. Despite wanting very much to do the latter, I will probably end up doing the former, because if I wait to find time to paint these pictures, they likely won’t get done until my children have children of their own.

We were able to get the kids to sleep at a decent time, so C and I were able to enjoy playing a game together (being the nerdy board game enthusiasts that we are). I love my husband.

All in all, a great day. I am so grateful to be a mom, and to have such a wonderful, loving family. I hope all the mamas out there (including mommies of cats, dogs, goldfish, etc.) enjoyed their special day as well.