At the end of February, when my husband and I discussed our family planning timeline, we decided we would give ourselves a year to try and get pregnant again. We were both pretty excited about the efforts we would have to make to try and conceive. For four or five nights every month, we would dim the lights and revisit our carefree pre-Emmy days. If we managed to get pregnant within a year, that would be fantastic. If we couldn’t get pregnant, at least we would have had a fun time trying. It sounded like an awesome plan.
But then my husband decided to show off his insemination skills. He got me preggers on our first official month of trying.
Of course, we are cautiously thrilled. Many women would think it is way too early for me to break the news to the general public, but honestly, I have never been good at keeping secrets. I’ve already told my family, and my work (the folks that I work for are incredibly supportive, as I knew they would be). The way I figure, if something happens, and I lose this pregnancy, I will probably want to talk to people (and blog) about the emotions of that experience, too. But of course I am trying to focus on being optimistic, and just fully appreciate how lucky we are that we were able to get pregnant again so quickly.
I’ve tried half-heartedly to write about other things going on in our lives, just to try and push breaking the pregnancy news back a few weeks. But the thing is, I’ve got horrible horrible morning sickness that I really want to complain about, and I have so many thoughts and emotions about having a second child I would like to share. I simply can’t pretend to be thinking about other things.
Between trips to the toilet (this morning was the worst… dry heaving stomach acid… ugh..), I worry about this baby’s health. I worry about whether I am going to need another c-section or whether I might be able to have a vbac birth. I worry about how I am going to transition from loving one child to loving two children. I worry that I will never be able to love my second child as much as I love Emmy. I worry about how I am going to divide my attention equally between my kids. I worry about weaning Emmy before the new baby arrives. I worry about whether I am ever going to be able to get a decent night’s sleep again. I worry about how we are going to be able to afford childcare, and what other changes we are going to have to make in order to raise two children.
I also fantasize a lot. I daydream about reading books and doing art projects with both of my children. I daydream about taking our little clan on lots of camping trips. I think about Em helping me wash the baby, and helping me put the baby down for a nap. Mostly, I fantasize about Emmy having a lifelong playmate, and the two siblings enjoying each other’s company and companionship for years to come.
I don’t know what lies ahead, nor can I control it. But in this moment, despite the nausea, the fatigue, and the indigestion, I feel incredibly blessed.
That having been said, if you have any secrets to fighting off morning sickness, please share! I am currently wearing two sea bands around my wrists, eating lots of protein throughout the day, and trying to drink as much water as humanly possible. But I still feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.
I look forward to hearing from you, as always…