Monday, July 23, 2012

Innocence

I didn’t sleep very well on Friday night. To be honest, I was up until 1 am, in bed, watching news coverage of the tragedy in Aurora (probably not the smartest thing for me to do).
These kinds of senseless killings definitely shake me to the core. It’s really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that a young man can go SO COMPLETELY off his rocker that he is compelled to go on a killing spree, ending the lives of innocent people.
It freaks me out. A lot.
I know that the media is going to try and explain James Holmes’ to me, and will come up with a thousand different theories about his possible motives. But despite all of the professional explanations and shared “expertise,” in my heart it still won’t make any sense, or give me comfort in a “oh. Now I get it,” kind of a way. Because it is all terribly complicated, and there are some things that are just soulfully inexplicable.
While I was watching the news, Emmy was in bed with me, totally submerged in a deep slumber. Her face was perfectly peaceful, so blissfully unaware of the craziness in this world. I kept looking away from the t.v. set to watch Em sleep, and then turning from her sleeping face back to the horrors on the television.
My daughter is blessed with the innocence of a twenty-one month old. Her world is made up of stuffed animals that talk in funny voices, rides on dada’s shoulders, and happy music that encourages her to clap her hands and dance in circles. She has no reason to worry, because mama and dada are here for her, and will kiss her boo-boos, guide her away from danger, and hug her whenever she feels scared.
But how long do we have before the innocence fades? How many years before Em comes home from school, or from one of her friends’ houses, with a story about a mean person who did bad things? How long before she starts asking questions about things she hears adults talking about, or news stories she overhears?
I wish I could keep my daughter in a little bubble of innocence. I wish I could make it so that she would never have to experience adult-sized fear or sadness or anxiety.  I really wish I could somehow give her a life in a world that has no such thing as senseless killings.
But of course I can’t. All I can do, as a mama, is be there for Em when she realizes that the world is not all rainbows and Elmo. All I can do is hold Em’s hand as her scope starts widening, and she starts taking in the totality of the world around her. All I can do is listen to her, and talk to her, and try to explain things to her, but also let her know that sometimes things happen in the world that are simply inexplicable.
P.S. One of my high school friends, Ben Coccio, directed what I think is a stellar film, Zero Day, about two high school students planning an attack on their school (directed in the wake of the atrocity in Columbine). The film does a phenomenal job showing the multidimensionality and complexity of the situation, and is totally disturbing in a very sensitive, very amazing way. I would highly recommend it to everyone.

9 comments:

  1. "All I can do is hold Em’s hand as her scope starts widening, and she starts taking in the totality of the world around her. All I can do is listen to her, and talk to her, and try to explain things to her, but also let her know that sometimes things happen in the world that are simply inexplicable."

    This is just what you can do. And I know you will do. These things you do will help give her the tools to figure out this stuff.

    I look at what happened and wonder myself. I doubt there will ever be an answer as to why, but I hold on to the fact that the reaction of the world around us to remember that this is not the norm, this is so far outside the norm and humanity is aghast with what has happened. I choose to believe that like when other really bad things happen, humanity is upset with it and while we can't stop these rogue incidents from occurring, humanity is moreover good than bad and will stand together in tragedy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I REALLY appreciate your perspective on this... it is comforting but also realistic. Thank you so much for sharing. Love you!
      d

      Delete
  2. Stopping in from MBC. I had to explain to 2 teenagers that night what had happened in Aurora, and their first question was why? I didn't have an answer to give them, I don't know why such a senseless tragedy occured. My thoughts are prayers are with those that were involved in the shooting and their families.

    www.mystepmomlife.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That has got to be so tough, trying to explain the inexplicable to teenage kids. You WANT to provide them with a reason, because at least a reason would provide a little comfort, but you just can't. It IS totally senseless, and scary. I can't even imagine what the families involved must be going through.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I started following your blog last night! :)

      d

      Delete
  3. I hear you, friend. I definitely lay awake some nights and wonder why I brought such sweet little innocent babes into this world that can be so terrible! I just hope that mine will turn out to be the good ones who help make the world better! I'm hosting a blog hop today called the Mommy-Brain Mixer, and I'd LOVE for you to come link up this post! It would be so fun to have you! http://www.two-in-diapers.blogspot.com/2012/07/introducing-thursday-mommy-brain-mixer.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much, Cassie. It really is anxiety provoking, knowing we are raising our kids in such a crazy, unpredictable world. I, like you, try to focus on the idea that hopefully my kids will grow up to effect the world for the better, in big ways or small ways or both.
      I joined the blog hop (thanks so much for the invite) and as you can see, added the "bling" to my page. Really glad to be a part of your community of bloggers.
      d

      Delete
    2. I just wanted to stop back by and say thanks so much for linking up! I hope to see you again next week, friend! :)

      Delete
  4. What a beautiful, honest, and sweet post. I loved the juxtaposition of your peacefully sleeping baby, and the atrocities on the news. Every child, for better or for worse, will one day lose their innocence, but all we can do is love them, prepare them for the world as best we can, and cherish the days when they are as sweet and innocent as your daughter is in this picture. Adorable. I'm stopping by from the Mommy Brain Mixer. I'm your newest follower! Have a great weekend! :)
    -Laura
    www.strollerparkingonly.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for stopping by, Laura, and for your incredibly kind words. If only we could stop time (or make the world a better place...), parenting would be so much less anxiety-provoking :)
      I will be sure to read your blog, and look forward to reading your posts!
      d

      Delete