Nothing Left to Give

It is only Day 6 of full-on pregnancy symptoms, and I’m already losing my mind. How in god’s name am I going to make it through another five weeks of this insanity?

I wish I could just buck up. I wish I could soldier on, and not let the morning sickness drag me down.  But seriously, between the nausea, the fatigue, trying to pay attention to (and breastfeed) Em, and balancing all of my job responsibilities, I just feel totally drained, like I have nothing left to give.

It’s like I am a zombie, going through all the motions of life but not really paying attention to anything. I get my work done, but not with the same level of attention and care that I was able to two weeks ago. I hug and kiss Emmy, or read her a book, but am distracted by constant rolling waves of nausea. I blog, but I only blog about morning sickness :). I try to act like a normal person, and have normal person conversations, but inside I am really just thinking about how horrible I feel.

Ok, I was slightly distracted from my nausea by the hilarity of last night’s episode of The Office, but that only lasted 30 minutes.

I think the symptoms of this pregnancy are a lot worse than they were with Em.  I don’t remember wanting to tear my hair out and run screaming towards the hills when I was pregnant with her. I wonder if the intensity of symptoms this time around is because, with Em’s crazy sleep habits and night feedings, I am unable to sleep as much as I did during my first pregnancy. Maybe breastfeeding combined with the pregnancy is just taxing my body too much. People are telling me I should wean Emmy, that that would help my body better deal with having to sustain a new baby. But are they right? I would hate to wean Emmy before she is ready, just to find out my morning sickness and fatigue have nothing to do with breastfeeding her.

Maybe there is no rhyme or reason (other than hormonal fluctuations) behind my current state of awfulness. Maybe I just have to somehow come to grips with the fact that I am going to be feeling this awful for at least another five weeks (and pray that my symptoms subside at week twelve). Maybe I should tie a satchel of peppermint leaves under my nose and ignore people when they look at me like I am crazy. Maybe I should paint the bottom of my toilet bowl with pretty flowers and sunshine and rainbows, so at least I have something nice to look at every morning. Maybe I should wear three pairs of Sea Bands instead of just one.

Or maybe this whole thing is just a state of mind situation, and I could improve my well being with some meditation (I’ve never done meditation, but I am so willing to try it if it means I will feel better). Maybe, with a little more effort, I COULD buck up, and I could figure out a way to embrace all the fatigue, the nausea, and my zombie-head, and welcome them as a sign of a hopefully healthy pregnancy.  The problem is, at this moment, I feel too exhausted to make mental and emotional efforts. I just feel like I’ve got nothing left to give.