Thursday, June 27, 2013

Dear God: Our Backyard Cannot Accommodate an Ark

Are you there, God? It's me, Dvora.

Yes, that's right. I'm the one who only calls or writes you letters when I am panicking. I can't really blame you for not returning my calls.

But, so, here's the thing. The Weather Channel is predicting rain and severe thunderstorms for, like, the 147th time since the beginning of June. We're kind of over it, you know? As attractive as the whole "galoshes and shorts and frizzy hair" look is, we're ready to wear our sandals and have a good hair day. Also, next week is the Fourth of July (not a religious holiday, so I know its not really on your radar), and some of us would really like to have NON-soggy buns with our burgers and dogs.

Is this your way of getting revenge on the writers of the Farmer's Almanac, who predicted a DRYER summer than usual for the Northeast? Are you sitting back in your great big chair in the sky, laughing your great big God-y laugh (which I can only imagine sounds like James Earl Jones), knowing that you've proven them farmers VERY VERY wrong?

Just so you know, I did my homework, and I am sad to report that an ark won't fit in our backyard. I used my arm to try and measure out 300 cubits by 50 cubits, and there's no WAY we can build it back there. Especially since our yard is already accommodating a swingset, a sandbox, a slide, a trampoline, a mini trampoline, two tricycles, and a toddler-sized house.

Would it be okay if we built a mini-ark, and were a bit more selective than Noah was, in our choices for which species we save from this world? That would be great, cause I think I might be allergic to cats, and the whole world agrees that you must not have had your thinking cap on when you created mosquitos. Maybe we'll just save the ponies. Also, do My Little Ponies count as species, because my daughter will definitely want to bring AT LEAST two of those on board with her?

C just got home from work, so we're gonna high-tail it over to Home Depot to see if they have a sale on gopher wood (which seems ironic, since we won't be saving the gophers). If they don't have cheap gopher wood, will plywood do?

Need to run. We want to make it back before our town turns into one big puddle.

Stop smirking.

This is your number one semi-absentee fan, signing off,



  1. Bwahahahahaha this is awesome. I'm sorry that G-d hasn't been cooperative

    1. No worries. But if the water level rises, we're coming over to your place and sending the "SOS" bottles out from your living room window. :)

  2. Voice of Reason (ALB Edition)June 28, 2013 at 6:50 AM

    Frankly, I just need it to cool it down. The grass and weeds are having a field day and I can't get out there to fight them back. We did get to enjoy the pool one weekend day outside the party.

    1. May I suggest you do as I do, and just braid the weeds in your yard and call it avant garde landscape architecture? :)