Monday, October 22, 2012

Preparing for Childbirth, in the 21st Century

To start off with, let me make this perfectly clear. I am NOT going to take a video of myself in labor, and post it for the world to see on YouTube. The world does NOT want to see that kind of crazy, trust me. THAT kind of crazy is reserved for the people I really love and really want to scar for life (i.e, my husband).

Nor am I going to Skype with you between contractions. At least, I probably won’t Skype with you between contractions. If my husband gets sick of my squatting and groaning and leaning on him, all the while singing “Fergalicious,” and decides he needs to lock himself in the bathroom for half an hour, I may search you out on Skype. And you’d better be there to sing along with me.

I HAVE already created a Pandora radio station specifically for the baby’s birth. I actually found out from the tour of our birth center that they will even play my music of choice during a c-section, if it comes down to that. Of course, when I heard this, all I could envision was my operating doctors breaking out into a flash mob at a most inconvenient time, and Howie Mandel frolicking into the operating room, grabbing my little newborn baby and swinging him enthusiastically in the air.

Anyway, my Pandora station is pretty mellow, so I am kind of hoping that in labor, I will be responsive to calming, soothing music. If not – if I really need to hear “Get Your Freak On” as I bear down and push, I’ve got an alternative station in the works. 

I have also loaded my kindle up with lots of stupid games that I can play in an effort to distract myself as my cervix “blooms” and my uterus contracts. What’s that you say?  I should use my kindle to download stimulating and thought provoking books, or meditations to help me through the labor? I suppose I SHOULD do that, too. As soon as I am done with this game of solitaire…

I will not be blogging from the hospital. I WILL probably be taking notes for future blog posts, a la “ten crafts you can create using hospital-grade mashed potatoes.”

I probably WON’T update my Pinterest boards while I’m in labor. But if I can somehow figure out how to make a lacey paper lamp shade out of my hospital gown, well… let’s just say you’ll know.

Sure, sometimes I think it might be best to just NOT bring any of this nonsense into the labor room with me, so I can concentrate completely on just being in the zone, you know? That I should strip myself of all the “noise” and just tune in to my primal self, and the magnificent moment of bringing life into this world…

But then that thought gets interrupted by a great song playing on my Pandora station.