- At night, once every two to three hours, I would be able to wake up all of the members of my household with a bout of hysterical, rageful crying. And in the morning, they would miraculously still love me.
- I would smell like a combination of sour milk, spit up, poop, baby oil and Desitin, but everyone would still hug me without wincing.
- I would be able to cry like mad every time I farted or pooped.
- People would spend hours upon hours trying to amuse me and make me smile, and I would reward them by looking at them like they are a bunch of a**holes.
- I would be able to wear cute little onesies with pictures of smiling dinosaurs or vintage race cars without need for justification.
- When driving, I would start crying every time the speed of the car dropped below 15 miles per hour.
- I would be able to make this face after finishing every meal:
- People would be PROUD of me for napping.
- I would suck on a hard rubber object all day WITHOUT folks suggesting I need therapy.
- I would be able to perfect my animal impressions, including angry screeching pterodactyl, and stuffy-nosed heavy-breathing pug dog.
- People would think my slightly furry body and disproportionately large head are soooo cute.
- I would have no awareness of the current presidential race.
Of course, there are DOWNSIDES to being a newborn baby (I am specifically thinking of not being able to ingest caffeine or alcohol), which may outweigh the benefits. And who knows? My son probably stares at me all day wondering why I am behaving like such a freak, and wishing he could switch bodies with me for just one day.