Top Ten Secrets of a Stay-At-Home Mom

Alright, it’s only been a few weeks since I switched over to watching my kids full time, but I’ve already discovered some really helpful secrets to getting through life as a Stay-at-Home Mom (or Roam Around Mom, as I prefer to call myself). I will share my tips, in hopes that other mothers may benefit from my wisdom.

• Stay in bed as LONG as you possibly can. Draw the shades. Pull the curtains. Convince your kids it is still night time, even when the sun is shining brightly outside and your clock CLEARLY reads 9:45 am. Remember that every minute you spend in bed is one less minute you will spend chasing your children through the house and yard.
• Try to make sure to set aside some “me” time. By that, I mean don’t forget to pee. Running after your kids can make you forget even your most basic needs, but you want to try your best to avoid having an accident at the playground.
• Throw out all of your children’s toys. The less they own, the less there is to clean up. Tell your children that they have new, shiny toys called “broom” and “dustpan,” and if they want to have LOTS of fun, they can help you transfer the laundry from the washer to the dryer. Yayyy!
• On Monday, wrap your children AND yourself in Saran Wrap. This way, you can laugh light-heartedly when your children spill juice in your lap, puke on your shoulder, poop all over your arm (yes, THAT happened to me this past week), and pee on your feet (yes, THAT happened to me LAST week).
• Have two cups of coffee in the morning. Then, 20 minutes later, have another cup of coffee. For lunch, sprinkle some coffee grinds on your PB&J sandwich. Also, whenever you leave the house, make sure your destination is within 100 feet of a coffee shop. Better yet, just take your kids to the coffee shop every day as an “outing” and tell them it is the Museum of Magical Beans.
• If you think you have packed enough baby wipes in your diaper bag, you HAVE NOT. There is no such thing as enough wipes. Your baby boy is definitely going to have the biggest poop the world has ever seen while you are shopping at the grocery store. Your daughter is definitely going to beg you for a lollipop, and will then proceed to smear her body with the sticky candy as if it were sunscreen. If there is ONE truth in life, it is that you can NEVER have enough wipes.
• Pretend that you are Jillian Michaels and your babies are contestants on the Biggest Loser. Make them run 83 miles, followed by 572 crunches, followed by a zillion gabillion jumping jacks. Don’t worry. They will only be tired out for about 45 seconds (enjoy the down time).
• When driving your children around town, do yourself a favor and don’t adjust your car’s vanity mirror so that you can see what is going on in the back seat. If you do, all you will see is your toddler spilling her apple juice all over her car seat and sticking cheerios up her nose. Ignorance is ABSOLUTELY bliss.
• Teach your child to yell “Release the Krackens!” every time they go poopy. It will make you look forward to potty time, and will just generally brighten up your day. 
• When your husband comes home from work at the end of the day, tell him you are longing to have an adult conversation after being around kids for ten hours straight. Then, when he starts telling you about what happened at work, start doing somersaults across the room, and keep repeating the words “doo doo head”. Only then will he understand what you have been through, which will in turn make you feel a hell of a lot better.

Do you have any top secret tips for surviving life as a Stay-at-Home Mama? If you do, please share!