Thoroughly Modern Mommy

 

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m gonna become a Stay at Home Mama soon.

And as I’ve mentioned before, I’m scared silly over it.

But WHY? It’s not like my kids are possessed zombie babies, or flesh-eating horned beasts or anything. I don’t THINK they are planning to gag me, tie me up in rope, and hang me by my toes over blazing flames (Emmy doesn’t know how to tie her shoes yet, and Oren is still working on rolling over, so this would be a very ambitious plan). I mean, my kids LIKE me… they may actually even LOVE me… so why’s it such a big deal?

It’s a big deal, of course, because I don’t want to “ef” this up, and certainly don’t want to damage my children in any irreversible way. I’d like to get through the next few years without either of my children losing an important limb (or even an UNIMPORTANT limb, for that matter), and without me losing my mind… if at all possible.

Which is why I am so incredibly thankful to be living in this fabulous high-tech age. It really makes it SO MUCH EASIER for those of us who have very little confidence in our own innate mommying skills. With all the digital gadgets and a world wide web chock-full of up-to-the-minute data, its such a relief to know we no longer have to rely on our very shaky mama instincts to parent correctly.

I mean, where would I be without other Stay at Home Mama blogs? For the past few weeks, I have been wading through the advice, secrets, top ten lists, and other “must-have” information offered by other SAHM bloggers. I’ve learned, for instance, that feeding Emmy lollipops and cupcakes for a snack is not considered “healthy,” and might not be the best plan if I’d like her to take an afternoon nap. I’ve also learned that as a SAHM, I should create a daily schedule which includes outings and social gatherings so the kids and I are FORCED to change out of our pajamas. This is good to know. Without this information, I probably would have opted to have Emmy stay in her Dora the Explorer pajamas for days on end (after all, I am always looking for ways to cut down on our LOADS of laundry).

Based on this wise advice, I’ve used my Google account to create a daily SAHM schedule, which I could choose to either share or not share with all of my family and friends. I have chosen NOT to share this schedule. Nobody needs (or wants) to know how much I love to micromanage, what I plan to eat for lunch every day of every month for the next year (though I can tell you right now that Emmy will be eating a chicky sammich and yogurt EVERY DAY. She, like her mama, is a creature of habit, BIG TIME). Nobody needs (or wants) to know that we will be making caterpillars out of paper plates and paint from 2:00 – 2:37 pm, and learning about the letter “E” from 2:37 pm – 3:08 pm.

 Speaking of paper plate caterpillars, though, there are about 84 gazillion pictures of crafty creepy crawly critters on Pinterest, which is a TOTAL godsend in preparing to be a SAHM. I have started about 158 new boards full of all the fantastic projects I plan to make with the kids. Am I skeptical of Baby Oren’s ability to handle a glue gun, caulking material, and welding supplies? Sure I am. But as god is my witness, we will create THE BEST EVER toddler-sized replica of the Royal Shakespeare Theater in our backyard. I’ll pin it for everyone to see when we are done (in 2026).

I’ve also used Meetup.com to scope out all the local “Mommy & Me” groups (though they are never called “Mommy & Me” these days. They are called catchier names like “Hip Mamas” and “The Mom’s Beat”). I’m hoping that this will be a fun and easy way for both me and the kids to meet and make new friends. Worst case scenario? I get shunned by other mommies for being too goofy, or too chatty, or for carrying the wrong kind of diaper bag. If that happens, I’ll just form my OWN Meetup group, called “Goofy Chatty Mommies with Second-Hand Diaper Bags.”

And there’s Facebook! On Facebook, I can “friend” our local kid-friendly museums, so that I can always be aware of the special programs they are offering. I can also “friend” our local ice cream shops, so that I can always be aware of the special ice cream flavors THEY are offering (and if there was a local ICE CREAM MUSEUM, I would be its best friend ever).

But let’s be honest. While I AM taking advantage of many modern tools in planning my venture as a SAHM, I am not a totally super duper tech-savvy mama. I mean, I don’t have a smartphone. I can only IMAGINE all the apps that would be at my disposal if I had a smartphone (actually, I did a web search. There are HOLY TONS of SAHM-friendly apps that make me want to run out and buy a smartphone).

Can you even imagine what it is going to be like when our children grow up to be SAHMs or SAHDs? They’re gonna have it SO EASY. By then, there will be lots of little mommybots and daddybots who will fold all the laundry and tend to dirty diapers and do the grocery shopping, so that all the Stay at Home Parent will need to worry about is posting photos of EVERY MINUTE of EVERY DAY online, using their GENIUSPHONE.