I don’t know about other new parents, but for me and C, finding time to be romantic with one another has been SUCH a challenge since the birth of our daughter. I mean, between the diaper changes and the breastfeeding and getting applesauce off of the couch, our lifestyle doesn’t exactly “set the mood,” you know? The smooth tones of Barry White have been replaced by Barney’s goofy drawl, and the general vibe in our house is much more “bibbitty bobbity boo” than it is “bowm chicka bowm bowwwm”.
To be honest, we’ve kind of hit the “snooze” button on THAT part of our relationship for the past seventeen months (e-gads). My husband and I have continually spoken about reintroducing the romance in our lives, and how we really need to get our collective mojo going again. But despite our good intentions, we’ve spent most of our Emmy’s-asleep-NOW-what-are-we-gonna-do hours either watching t.v. (holding hands) or engrossed in our own reading, writing, etc. (not holding hands).
Em’s sleeping habits have become more consistent these last few weeks, and we can (FINALLY) rely on her STAYING asleep for at least 2 to 3 hours before her first nighttime waking. So the big excuse that we used to use, which was “what if the baby wakes up while we are ahem aheming?” is no longer valid.
The thing is, come 8:00 p.m., C and I are both EXHAUSTED. We are mentally, physically, AND emotionally depleted from our workdays, from getting chores done, and from caring for Emmy. We’ve got nothing left to give. We’ve turned into amoebas. And as much as we’d LIKE to spend some quality time with one another, it is hard for an amoeba to feel hot and frisky.
But rather than making up NEW excuses, and despite the fact that I feel like a one-celled organism, I find myself wanting to overcome all the obstacles. Dang it, this amoeba needs to get her FREAK ON.
I want my husband back. I want to know him again, not just as the guy who does a great job chasing Emmy around and cleaning the kitchen and raking the yard, but as the guy who is a great kisser, and the guy whose arms I love wrapped around my body. I want to spend less of our limited time together talking about how many poops Emmy had, and more time DOING ANYTHING more romantic than talking about toddler poop.
So I’m making efforts. But it’s not easy. Even when we dim the lights, and draw the shades, and put on some sweet music, it takes me quite a while to switch gears. When my husband and I start kissing, I’m still thinking about what I am going to pack for Emmy’s lunch the next day. And the shopping list. And whether I’ll have any clean clothes to wear to work. I’d say it takes a good five to ten minutes of face sucking (sorry, I’m trying not to be vulgar here but some subjects warrant a bit of vulgarity) before I mentally get out of my mommy headspace.
But when I DO manage to get out of my mama head? It’s blissful. In my husband’s arms, I can slowly forget about the chores, and work, and all sorts of other mama drama. My worn out self is taken over by love and energy, and I just live in the moment. Yayyyy.
Breaking old patterns is kinda difficult, but I’m hoping that by making a concerted effort to make our alone time more special, it will get easier and easier for my husband and I to fall into a NEW pattern that encourages closeness, rather than separation. I know that rekindling our romance will make other aspects of our partnership better as well, and may even make parenting easier in some ways.
Have you and your husband hit the same “snooze” button as we have? Have you found ways of getting over the amoeba-like feeling so that the romance could sneak back into your lives?
I’d love to hear from you.
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