Of course, like every other mama on the brink of giving birth,
I have been totally anxious to feel the beginnings of labor, or receive SOME
sign that the baby has decided to make his way into this world. And like every
other wishful VBAC mama, I have been especially anxious, hoping that this baby’s
birth might be different from my first baby’s. In search of giving my son the gift of a
natural labor, I have eaten lots of pineapple, bounced up and down on a bouncy
ball, taken several long walks… I have talked to the full moon, prayed, and
given myself many a pep-talk about how I CAN in fact give birth.
I have also told myself that if push comes to shove (or
perhaps, more well-stated, if push DOESN’T come to SHOVE), and I need to have a
second c-section in order to birth this baby, so be it. It will still be
miraculous, and amazing, and will still bring us a son (god willing) that we
can kiss and hug and surround with love. We have a c-section scheduled for 8
days post due date. While doing this doesn’t give us the full 14 days post due
date that my midwives would normally allow, it might (again, hopefully) prevent
us from running into an emergency c-section scenario similar to the one I went
through with Emmy.
So this kid is “on the clock,” so to speak. He’s got 9 days
to get down and get busy, and help me bring him into this world. And I’ve got
the same 9 days to stay positive and keep my mind and body strong.
I do know that if I make it all the way to next Wednesday
night without having gone into labor, I am going to ask my husband for a few
minutes (or maybe a few more than a few minutes) to myself so that I can have
what I imagine will be a well-needed sob session, allowing me to get the
sadness and disappointment at not being able to birth naturally out of my
system. As much as I have tried to prepare myself for the possibility of
needing a second c-section, I know that if it becomes an actuality, I am going
to have some real, deep sadness about it, and I want to just give myself the
time and space to feel it without hesitation. Then I will wash my face, and ask
my husband to take me out for a nice romantic dinner so I can clear my head,
relax, and try not to stress too much about the operation that will take place
the next morning.
But maybe it won’t come to that. Maybe (again, hopefully) I
can go into natural birth. Nine days is a long time. Anything can happen
between now and next Thursday, really.
In an effort to not put too much stress on myself, and to
help myself NOT focus on the ticking clock, or every little movement in my
uterus, or the possibility of what may or may not be, I am trying to focus on
the right now. I am trying to concentrate on appreciating the relative
simplicity of being a parent to one child. I am trying to make sure I breathe
in these last few days of being able to focus my mama love on Emmy. And I am
acknowledging that as much as I cannot WAIT for this baby’s arrival, part of me
will totally miss THESE days, where it is just me, my husband, and my beautiful
little mooshkatoo.
Ugh, there I go, crying again. T-2, or 3, or 9… it’s just
such an emotional time.
